It's just the sound of how I miss you w/ Adrian

I'm not feeling well, I couldn't explain. Or maybe I could if I tried a little harder. I miss Adrian like hell, and tonight he's coming to see me. For some reason it feels all sad, like we were about to break up or something. But we won't, and in a few hours I'll be alright if he makes me believe we will be one day soon. Adrian is good at that, he makes me forget how desperate I am when he's not around me, even if it lasts for a few hours or a few days. He just does. But truth is I could mess it all up, I know myself enough to be scared of what I could do if no one was here to hold me back, to stop me from destroying all I care about in one single moment. And Adrian, he knows me too well. He knows I'm not happy, and he trusts me with his life regardless of that. And that's scary. He's the one I can't disappoint, the one I'll be marrying one day, if I can pass this dreadful test. But it's hard, and he knows it is. Jealousy is spreading through my veins, and probably through his like venom. This is not what we were used to. Our relationship used to feel so safe, like nothing could possibly hurt it. It's been one year now, and there's still so many left to live this way. I really want to believe we're better than that, but I also have the feeling that we are just like any others, subjected to difficulties, to life and to distance. It's the parting of our ways, us living different things in different places. It could possibly tear us apart, build walls and I just don't know how not to be scared of what will come next. We're holding on something beautiful, but unstable. Even our friendship never had to face a challenge like this one.

I throw away my cigarette and take gum with me. I don't want him to know i'm smoking, because he knows I only do when i'm stressed. I don't want to look stressed, and neither do I want to feel that way anyway. Not when he's here, not when I'm supposed to be just fine. I head up to Paddington station, which is a few stops away from Piccadily Circus. I have a scarf I bought for him with me, and a jumper he'll probably find too small as opposed to his awfuly large ones he loves to buy without me. I'm so used to love that man that I don't have the faintest idea of what I would do of my life if we had to part for a reason or another. Our love is so just natural even when threatened by life. I'm not sure my heart can learn how to function differently on this. I don't want to find out either.

When I see him, I feel instantly nervous and my mind is overwhelmed. But I stop being scared, because i'm all too happy to feel anything else right now. My lips curl into a smile and I hug him so tight I wonder how he can still breathe after I did. « I missed you. » I say.
I stay a minute like this, and it feels soothing and warm at the core of my heart. He's still Adrian, nothing has changed yet and I can rest. I kiss the corner of his lips and take both his hands. « What do you want to do now ? » I want him to share my life, like he was there every single day in it. But I don't know where to start. I could introduce him to friends, go to gay bars with him, or we could just spend the night together watching movies and eating his favourite food. He will tell me what's best. He always does.

[c'est mon premier rp en anglais don't judge me, I just wrote essays for uni ]

Adrian sighed, staring at the clothes he’d just spread on his small university bed. He was just leaving for two days but couldn’t help but think about every reasons why he could regret taking that sweater instead of that one. Chris hated all of those anyway, they were too large, and probably made him look like the silly student he was. He ended up putting random things in a small bag and winced when he saw his books and all the work he had to do. He wouldn’t take anything with him this week-end, because he was just supposed to enjoy a few days away from Oxford with his love, but it didn’t mean he didn’t feel guilty about it. He loved Chris will all his heart, and he really wanted to enjoy the time they were able to spend together – but a part of him also knew that Oxford was a very important side of his happiness. He wanted to be brilliant here, and that week-end spent away would have very big consequences on his work schedule. Sleep wasn’t meant to happen next week. He sighed again, all this stressing things in his head were tiring. Once in Christopher’s loving arms, he would probably forget about everything. He had to go home, because everybody was missing him – well, actually, Chris and Lise were both missing him. And he couldn’t lose Chris or make his mother sad.

He grabbed a cab to join the train station, feeling too lazy, or maybe too tired, to take a bus. Once in the train, he almost immediately regretted not taking a book to read – but felt asleep after that thought, sleeping all the way to London. When he opened his eyes, the train was driven slowly to the station. In a few minutes, he’d be in Chris’s arms, holding him against his heart, very close. Excitement replaced all the doubts and stress for a few minutes. He took his bag and waited for the train to stop to go down. His eyes immediately went searching for a familiar face – the face he loved. Their love story was perfect. He loved Chris too much it was actually difficult to explain. In Adrian’s mind, their story was much like a very good and old romantic book, a book he could have chosen to make a lesson about. Adrian liked to think of them that way – heroes of a romantic love story written by a great author. Adrian blinked, and finally caught Chris’s beautiful eyes. He smiled and walked quickly to join him, opening his arms and letting go of the small bag full of large clothes. Chris hugged him tight and Adrian closed his eyes, breathing his scent, a mix of his usual perfume and something else, something like… cigarette. Adrian didn’t say anything though, keeping the thought for himself. His lips softly stroked Chris’s shoulder and when he stepped back, Adrian smiled tenderly. “Hey”, he whispered, feeling very much in love. “I missed you too. Always do”, he whispered softly, stroking his cheek. Adrian knew it was quite unfair to Chris. He was living the thing less well than Adrian, probably because he was less busy in everyday life, the art school including less hours of class and less homework. Adrian was working a lot by night when Chris would rather go out – actually, Adrian had no idea how his love could live such a life and still be in such a good shape.

“I don’t know. What do you want to do? We could go eat and have a drink?” he tried with a smile. He really wanted to make him happy about that week-end, happy enough so that waiting for the next week-end wasn’t so hard. “What do you think?” he asked again, kissing his lips tenderly this time, his hand softly stroking his neck.

He says he missed me, and god I missed him as well. Things are complicated lately, but when we are together, it's easier to understand why we are engaged in this kind of fight against life and the uncertainties it carries. Adrian feels like home when my lips are on his, and my hands around his waist. Crazy ideas cross my mind while he kisses my skin, and I just want to give up everything for that man. It wouldn't be that clever, but I could actually want that very much indeed. Uni wasn't for me, and certainly not Oxford. We are different people Adrian and I, a strange combination, and it works beautifully, it always did. He reminds me of that every time we walk with each other, finger laced together. Or when we kiss after a week or two without seeing each other. It's probably sad that I need a reminder, but it also express my inability to be on my own like it was a choice of mine I could perfectly live with. Oxford was made for him in every way, the destination of a long journey he had been on. I didn't want to fight that, or even complain about it. But the weight of my understanding is now to live with it like I could, for Adrian's sake and happiness. I couldn't have lived this life with him. In a few years it will not matter, we'll be there in a flat, married and making plans. That's what we both want. He's right, it's important to focus on that. It's just difficult to think through all this now. I had this talk with Jane a thousand of times, and I'm thankful I had the opportunity to do so. Living with my sister helps, I'm not sure I would have done great on my own, especially here in Soho, where my grown up life begins. But in a beautiful coincidence, we are both here and able to share time. She can be my reminder too, the reminder of what I really am, and what I really want. And it's definitely Adrian Fletcher I want. She knows that, and she won't let me mess things up, that's what I probably need right now.  

So I smile now and kiss him as much as my heart wants to. It definitely needs a rest. I'm glad he's here and up to do something different tonight. I nod when he talks about eating out. I know a few places in the centre which are not bad at all. Adrian loves Japanese food, it's probably his favourite by far, and Soho is not the worst place to find good Asian food. Even if well... it can be quite terrible too if you don't know where to go. Fortunately I do. “I think it's a rather nice idea. We could go to our favourite Japanese restaurant, or I could make you try the sharing platters from Le Comptoir Libanais, then we could go out together, as the fancy gay couple we are.” That's something I want to do. I want to go out with my boyfriend for once. This area of London is quite exciting and has it's incredible places. I want to show him my life as it is when he's in Oxford, taste the cocktails I adore, go to my favourite restaurants so he can think of me here. I want him to really be there with me.

“You're my guest, you choose love.” I kiss his temple and open my umbrella for both of us. It's not heavy rain and it will probably pass but I don't want to take the tube now.

Adrian kept him against his heart for a few minutes, wishing they could be together all the time and not just for week-ends. He really missed him and he wasn’t stupid, those times when they were apart being tough times for both of them, but maybe even more difficult for Chris. Adrian was too busy, too serious. He didn’t have much friends in Oxford, that for sure, and he didn’t go out a lot. He was busy because he was working a lot, and no one could really stop him from doing just that. Maybe, if Chris was in Oxford with him, he would be more distracted – or maybe it would be a good thing to have him help the anxious times. Anyway, Adrian would never ask him to leave what he was doing only to follow him. Chris was studying something he liked and it was very important for them to be both happy. Actually, Adrian didn’t think he could be happy if Chris wasn’t as well in his professional life. Love wasn’t enough to make someone feel good, even if it was a very important side of happiness. Adrian would be unhappy if he was alone. And if Chris had never told him about his feelings, he would probably still be the awkward little and lonely boy he used to be. The man helped him become someone he quite enjoyed being. The thought made Adrian smiled, and he stroked Chris’s cheek again, staring at those beautiful lines of his face. “You’re very handsome, my man”, he whispered, out of the blue, just because he needed to say it. Having him against his heart made him feel very much in love.

Chris offered him to go and taste a Lebanese restaurant and then go out. Adrian wondered if he wanted to take him out to dance or something – something he wasn’t really used to doing, in the everyday life. Adrian didn’t enjoy the nights out as much as Chris could, but for once, maybe it would be a nice and good idea to please his love and go with him. Chris often mentioned his nights out when they were calling each other on the phone, and Adrian had trouble picturing him alone and out – maybe going with him would be the best idea to understand how his future husband was living here. Forgetting about how tired and stressed he usually was, Adrian softly nodded. “Let’s do just that then, you’re in charge tonight, I’m following you”, he finally kindly answered, wrapping his hands around Chris’s waist. Of course, he could have protested and offered for a nice night home, with Japanese food and a movie, but it wouldn’t so nice to do so. Adrian very often got to decide what they were up to, and even if he personally appreciated that, he was scared that it could one day got Chris tired or bored. And he couldn’t lose his love. They were meant to be, everybody knew that, especially him. Oxford represented rough times, but as soon as he’d be out, having a job, Adrian would ask that man to marry him. They would have a family, a home, pets probably. The perfect couple everybody always imagined watching them grow up.

Adrian grabbed Chris’s hand, lacing their fingers, and followed him. “You know I love you with all my heart”, he said kissing his neck as he wrapped his hand around his shoulder. “There’s not a single day I spent there when I’m not thinking about you and how much I love and miss you.”

Instants with Adrian are so rare, I have to enjoy them as long as they last. Eyes closed, my nose against his neck, I listen carefully to the beating of his heart echoing mine in a beautiful way. I love that man with all I have, but sometimes I struggle with the feeling that it's not enough for me. Nobody told us it would be that hard to be apart like this. It always felt so natural, easy, and now I have to compose with this threatening feeling I feel in my chest, despite our very mutal trust when it comes to us and our relationship. I fear every essay that would potentially compromise our week ends together, every man who comes a bit too close to me or to him. The situation is definitely a lot different now. There's a lot of things I miss about everything we used to do when we were actually living a few houses away. But he's here and I must admit the taste of his lips is probably worth all the pain I sometimes feel. As we walk together and suggest a restaurant, he seems quite enthusiastic with the idea. Actually, he looks happy, a lot happier than he was when he was bullied in high school for sure. That's probably why I can't be selfish and just think about how difficult it can be for me to live away from his exciting world in Oxford. Adrian is where he should be, probably making a lot of new friends, just like him. A hint of jealousy just go through me as I think about it. I have this irrational idea stuck in my mind that he could let me down for those clever and mature people who resemble him. But when I think about it, knowing I'm alone here in Soho is probably much worse for Adrian. I try to not think about it, at least for tonight, for sure we're trying to spend a moment to remember when i'll walk him back to this bloody station, a moment we must enjoy.

My lips curl into a smile as he tells me i'm in charge tonight. I usually would rather let him choose for the both of us because doing everything to please him is kind of something I naturally like to do when he comes to visit. But making him a part of my world by discovering it together has definitely its charm. “You'll see it's delicious.” And I know my shit. I go there very often with Jane. I'm probably mostly complaining about Adrian being far; but she usually don't judge and push me treat myself with a nice dessert to cheer me up. And the puddings there are amazing. He kisses my neck and I smile as he's finally opening to me. He explains he misses me and somehow it feels good to hear it.

“I love you all the same” I whisper still walking towards the restaurant. “It's difficult for sure, and I know it's silly, but sometimes I'm just scared you would meet more interesting people than me.” I just express what he already knows, but I guess there's no wrong in trying to do it myself with sincerity and vulnerability as well this time. “I mean you can talk about your favourite authors with them, go to amazing lectures, and I'm still the same Chris who walked you back from school every day. Maybe you'll find me boring eventually ? I hope not.” I shrug, but look anxious to someone with a keen eye for this kind of stuff and Adrian Fletcher fits this description.